Cover design by Zed's Not Dead
"There is no single concept of cool. One of the essential characteristics of cool is its mutability—what is considered cool changes over time and varies among cultures and generations."
Pountain, Dick; Robins, David (2000). Cool Rules: Anatomy of an Attitude.
FEZ Sez________________Bobby Wildside explains what got us all in a tis
'KILLING COOL'_________________________Munky Harris spills the beans
'COOLEST THING I OWN' _________________Locals with their cool stuff
'COOL QUOTES'______________________________The things people say
'LOCHIE'S WORLD' ____________________Does an 8yo understand 'cool'?
FEZ Forum___C'mouse & Dave Schwan find many reasons to like Cairns
LUCY ON THE LOOSE________________Juicy Lucy has some 'cool' advice
'KILLING COOL'_________________________Munky Harris spills the beans
'COOLEST THING I OWN' _________________Locals with their cool stuff
'COOL QUOTES'______________________________The things people say
'LOCHIE'S WORLD' ____________________Does an 8yo understand 'cool'?
FEZ Forum___C'mouse & Dave Schwan find many reasons to like Cairns
LUCY ON THE LOOSE________________Juicy Lucy has some 'cool' advice
********************************************************************************************
Contributors
Munky Harris, Zed's Not Dead, Circusmouse, Juicy Lucy, Bobby Wildside, Lochie, Dave Schwan
by Bobby Wildside
FEZzers, greetings to another action-packed edition of the nattiest fanzine in town.
This month, we don our Oakleys, jump in the FEZ 68 Mustang and take a much-needed journey into the world of Cool.
Now, you've probably already got to thinking "Oakleys", "Mustang?", cool?
And that's exactly the conundrum within an enigma the FEZ team came up against this month, because no one could agree on what's cool and what's not: one man's singlet is another man's sarong.
Just look back at all those pictures from the other summer, that haircut, those stonewash jeans, espadrilles; how could you have been so horribly wrong? Many is the night Zed, Circusmouse and Munky Harris have come to blows over the past month, debating which song was cooler than another, or who out us had the coolest selection of vintage Belgian cheeses.
So, as well as the usual bumper crop of top-notch articles and illustrations from our contributors, FEZ has taken to the street in a bid to talk to the movers and shakers of Cairns about their No.1 cool item. Plus, Dave Schwan says two wheels are better than four, Munky gets all hot and bothered on the Net, and Circusmouse, well, he's just Circusmouse.
Why not join us online for all the latest FEZ news and updates, goodies and giveaways, or, if you're feeling like a Twitter, please feel free to let us know where cool is at.
After spending the past few hours surfing a cornucopia of hardcore porn, I just logged on to this celebrity website, perezhilton.com. It's full of s'leb gossip and tittle tattle, so I checked out who that filthy old piece Katie Price (aka Jordan) had been blowing. Seems she's having it large with some cage fighter or other, after giving dodgy pop throwback Peter Andre the slip.
Good on ya gal, I say. Anyway, I soon got bored with all that nonsense, promptly heading straight to my old fave, YouTube, for a bit of happy slapping. I just love watching those weak bastards get a good bashing online. What a hoot. I spotted a couple of kids on there, giving it to some old boy on the bus. They gave him a right going over. It got interesting only when they tied him to the bus seat, setting fire to his trouser legs. Then they king hit him. Nice work, boys.
*
This month, we don our Oakleys, jump in the FEZ 68 Mustang and take a much-needed journey into the world of Cool.
Now, you've probably already got to thinking "Oakleys", "Mustang?", cool?
And that's exactly the conundrum within an enigma the FEZ team came up against this month, because no one could agree on what's cool and what's not: one man's singlet is another man's sarong.
Just look back at all those pictures from the other summer, that haircut, those stonewash jeans, espadrilles; how could you have been so horribly wrong? Many is the night Zed, Circusmouse and Munky Harris have come to blows over the past month, debating which song was cooler than another, or who out us had the coolest selection of vintage Belgian cheeses.
So, as well as the usual bumper crop of top-notch articles and illustrations from our contributors, FEZ has taken to the street in a bid to talk to the movers and shakers of Cairns about their No.1 cool item. Plus, Dave Schwan says two wheels are better than four, Munky gets all hot and bothered on the Net, and Circusmouse, well, he's just Circusmouse.
Why not join us online for all the latest FEZ news and updates, goodies and giveaways, or, if you're feeling like a Twitter, please feel free to let us know where cool is at.
*
Good on ya gal, I say. Anyway, I soon got bored with all that nonsense, promptly heading straight to my old fave, YouTube, for a bit of happy slapping. I just love watching those weak bastards get a good bashing online. What a hoot. I spotted a couple of kids on there, giving it to some old boy on the bus. They gave him a right going over. It got interesting only when they tied him to the bus seat, setting fire to his trouser legs. Then they king hit him. Nice work, boys.
I got to thinking, is this normal? Should I be subjecting myself to all this vacuous nonsense? Me, a university lecturer and all? Of course I should, I mean, you're all at it, aren't you? The Net gets a slagging from all these do-gooders, with cries of, "Oooh, the Net's killed the art of reading" and, "how awful, it's destroying the music industry." But things were fucked long before the Net.
What struck me after trawling through hours of superfluous and inane sites was, "Where have all the cool people gone?", because I sure as hell didn't see any on the Net, this time, or at any other time.
Okay, I saw a veritable plague of wannabe Z-listers, bogan video bloggers and teenage porno queens – but I never saw one cool person. Nobody I wanted to be like and no-one I wanted to screw.
So, who killed Cool? I tell you who, the Net killed Cool.
There's a FEZ prize if any one of you can find me a personality from the internet age with one iota of the wit of Oscar Wilde. And where are all the Elvis's and James Deans, Muhammad Alis, Aretha Franklins and Steve McQueens? The paragons of glacial cool have been replaced by the kids next door, fucked up and bloated on KFC, all dressed the same, all hoping for their spot under the limelight, just by getting their ugly, fat mugs on the computer screen.
So what makes Cool?
Well, that's easy – the keepers of Cool go it alone, standing apart from the crowd. They speak their mind and talk their own truth. Not like the primordial sludge served up on the Net, void of individuality – a place haunted by freaks, conspiracy theorists and Facebookers – "I'm making a tea, and Sammy is being a naughty boy." Hey, well here's something – nobody gives a fuck. The cool battle on, even when life is tough, maintaining an internal, self-regulated locus of calm and vision, and the dudes defy convention, check Hunter S Thompson, Tom Waits and Lennon.
What struck me after trawling through hours of superfluous and inane sites was, "Where have all the cool people gone?", because I sure as hell didn't see any on the Net, this time, or at any other time.
Okay, I saw a veritable plague of wannabe Z-listers, bogan video bloggers and teenage porno queens – but I never saw one cool person. Nobody I wanted to be like and no-one I wanted to screw.
So, who killed Cool? I tell you who, the Net killed Cool.
There's a FEZ prize if any one of you can find me a personality from the internet age with one iota of the wit of Oscar Wilde. And where are all the Elvis's and James Deans, Muhammad Alis, Aretha Franklins and Steve McQueens? The paragons of glacial cool have been replaced by the kids next door, fucked up and bloated on KFC, all dressed the same, all hoping for their spot under the limelight, just by getting their ugly, fat mugs on the computer screen.
So what makes Cool?
Well, that's easy – the keepers of Cool go it alone, standing apart from the crowd. They speak their mind and talk their own truth. Not like the primordial sludge served up on the Net, void of individuality – a place haunted by freaks, conspiracy theorists and Facebookers – "I'm making a tea, and Sammy is being a naughty boy." Hey, well here's something – nobody gives a fuck. The cool battle on, even when life is tough, maintaining an internal, self-regulated locus of calm and vision, and the dudes defy convention, check Hunter S Thompson, Tom Waits and Lennon.
McQueen, dubbed the King of Cool, bags a massive ten on the FEZ Cool scorecard. As well as immersing himself in his passions of acting and motor racing, he loved toking on a big, fat number, managed to learn martial art Tang Soo Do to the highest degree and put his foot to the metal in his movies, performing his own stunts in Bullitt and The Great Escape.
For Munky Harris, though, McQueen's coolest trait was his little-known humanitarian streak. Fellow stars didn't understand McQueen's odd reputation for ordering free, bulk items, such as jeans and razors, from the studios he worked at. Later on, people sussed out he had donated these products to the delinquents reform school he attended as a youth, occasionally dropping by to play pool and talk with the kids. Steve, you're still the daddy.
But there will be no more McQueens. Not now Google, Facebook and Twitter are able to poke about in all manner of psychic detritus, dissecting every last particle of information and sending it out to the masses to gorge upon. Homo sapiens slurp at the flume of this electronic primordial soup, thus robbing humankind of critical thinking and individuality, and stripping us of Cool. Munky once spent five years in a Buddhist monastery in developing the art of transcendental meditation – without checking his Hotmail account once.
Slowly rewiring the brain's circuitry, the Net means there is no "time". No time to contemplate, to grow, to develop unhindered, beyond the all-seeing eye of the Net. Filmed, screened, manipulated 24-7, the Net's credo is that if you're not on it, you're not cool. With hard drives for brains and modems up our arses, the new cool is homogenisation, the new cool is one size fits all, the new cool is make it so the marketing man can make some cash. The new cool is ‘don't stand out from the crowd’. The Net absorbs mediums, remodelling all in its wake for the world of the consumer. Attention spans are down to that of a rat waiting for its next titbit, capable of little more than fleeting reactions to the next wave of dross seeping forth from the computer circuitry.
As Sergey Brin, one of the founders of Google, made clear five years ago, he has this burning desire to turn the search engine into an artificial intelligence. "If you had all the world's information directly attached to your brain, or an artificial brain that was smarter than your brain, you'd be better off," said Brin. His partner, Larry Page agreed, adding that Google is "really trying to build artificial intelligence and to do it on a large scale".
Cool is dead, crushed under the pressure of information overload and instantly available sound bytes. This is Human Global Warming, all right. The glaciers of cool are melting and Paris Hilton and Chris Martin are tooled up and coming to take you away.
Cool's dead, baby, Cool's dead.
*For Munky Harris, though, McQueen's coolest trait was his little-known humanitarian streak. Fellow stars didn't understand McQueen's odd reputation for ordering free, bulk items, such as jeans and razors, from the studios he worked at. Later on, people sussed out he had donated these products to the delinquents reform school he attended as a youth, occasionally dropping by to play pool and talk with the kids. Steve, you're still the daddy.
But there will be no more McQueens. Not now Google, Facebook and Twitter are able to poke about in all manner of psychic detritus, dissecting every last particle of information and sending it out to the masses to gorge upon. Homo sapiens slurp at the flume of this electronic primordial soup, thus robbing humankind of critical thinking and individuality, and stripping us of Cool. Munky once spent five years in a Buddhist monastery in developing the art of transcendental meditation – without checking his Hotmail account once.
Slowly rewiring the brain's circuitry, the Net means there is no "time". No time to contemplate, to grow, to develop unhindered, beyond the all-seeing eye of the Net. Filmed, screened, manipulated 24-7, the Net's credo is that if you're not on it, you're not cool. With hard drives for brains and modems up our arses, the new cool is homogenisation, the new cool is one size fits all, the new cool is make it so the marketing man can make some cash. The new cool is ‘don't stand out from the crowd’. The Net absorbs mediums, remodelling all in its wake for the world of the consumer. Attention spans are down to that of a rat waiting for its next titbit, capable of little more than fleeting reactions to the next wave of dross seeping forth from the computer circuitry.
As Sergey Brin, one of the founders of Google, made clear five years ago, he has this burning desire to turn the search engine into an artificial intelligence. "If you had all the world's information directly attached to your brain, or an artificial brain that was smarter than your brain, you'd be better off," said Brin. His partner, Larry Page agreed, adding that Google is "really trying to build artificial intelligence and to do it on a large scale".
Cool is dead, crushed under the pressure of information overload and instantly available sound bytes. This is Human Global Warming, all right. The glaciers of cool are melting and Paris Hilton and Chris Martin are tooled up and coming to take you away.
Cool's dead, baby, Cool's dead.
*
"I wanna have my kicks before the whole shit house goes up in flames!"
"It's better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not."
"If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver."
"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."
"The law creates crime where there was none before."
"People with narrow minds usually have large mouths."
"There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you."
*Jim Morrison
"It's better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not."
"If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver."
Anonymous
"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."
Homer Simpson
"The law creates crime where there was none before."
BWS
"People with narrow minds usually have large mouths."
Nobby Clarke
"Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until they are 75."
Benjamin Franklin"There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you."
A.Whitney Brown, The Big Picture
FEZ: Do you think we are going to enter a double dip recession?
Lochie: I don't even know what you're talking about.
FEZ: Where do teachers go on holiday?
Lochie: They go to Hawaii.
FEZ: What do they do there?
Lochie: They go shopping for swimming costumes.
FEZ: Where would you go on holidays?
Lochie: I would go to Japan because they have sushi. Or I'd go to Sydney to see my cousins and to visit Luna Park.
FEZ: What music do you think is cool?
Lochie: Candy Man by Christina Aguilera. Can we listen to it now? I listen to it all the time on YouTube. Sweet talkin' sugar coated candy man.
FEZ: What other things do you like?
Lochie: I like chocolate and dancing, but not at the same time.
FEZ: What would you do if you had one million dollars?
Lochie: I would buy 50 DS games and 50 Playstation games and a limo and a Wii console and five Wii games. I would buy dad a jetpack and a limo.
Lochie: I don't even know what you're talking about.
FEZ: Where do teachers go on holiday?
Lochie: They go to Hawaii.
FEZ: What do they do there?
Lochie: They go shopping for swimming costumes.
FEZ: Where would you go on holidays?
Lochie: I would go to Japan because they have sushi. Or I'd go to Sydney to see my cousins and to visit Luna Park.
FEZ: What music do you think is cool?
Lochie: Candy Man by Christina Aguilera. Can we listen to it now? I listen to it all the time on YouTube. Sweet talkin' sugar coated candy man.
FEZ: What other things do you like?
Lochie: I like chocolate and dancing, but not at the same time.
FEZ: What would you do if you had one million dollars?
Lochie: I would buy 50 DS games and 50 Playstation games and a limo and a Wii console and five Wii games. I would buy dad a jetpack and a limo.
*
COOL 4 CAIRNS
The title above, for most, is a misnomer, and for the rest, it doesn’t look quite right. Cairns just isn’t considered cool. Mention the name of this town in Far Northern Queensland, and, quite rightly, many Australians regard it as a haven for toothless bogans, indigenous drunks, wacked-out web conspirators and STD ridden backpackers. Well, not any longer, you narrow-minded muppets! - Cairns now has plenty of cool, and it’s just the beginning.
Over the past year or so, quietly gaining momentum, various elements are coming together, like a cosmic alignment, and (at the risk of sounding like a journalist from the local chip wrapper, The Cairns Post) are going to put this “sleepy hollow” on the map!
City Arcade in Grafton St. is shaping up as the place to be, with long time resident Taste-y leading an eclectic retail mix, ranging from fashion, music and skating, top second hand bookshop Book Exchange and a café, Caffiend that is a great place to chill out, hidden way in the centre of the arcade, and, has the best graffiti art in town on show in the alley next to it. Not far away, other places are doing their best (and succeeding) to bring some much needed street cred here, are; artists collective and gallery, Crate 59, and MOFO (Merchants of Fine Objects), who have incorporated a gallery into the boutique, and sometimes have live bands play in the workshop out the back where they print their T-shirts, (but not at the same time obviously). Last, but definitely not least, the girls at Moosh83 bring us their witty and minimalist “tattoos for tee shirts” concept with some neat little tricks and is a must wear. So, despite the tourist industry taking a nosedive this year, things are looking bright in FNQ on the creative front, and to the mayor, who is looking to build an extravagant arts precinct sometime in the future, may I suggest, it’s already here? Put your money in that instead.
Over the past year or so, quietly gaining momentum, various elements are coming together, like a cosmic alignment, and (at the risk of sounding like a journalist from the local chip wrapper, The Cairns Post) are going to put this “sleepy hollow” on the map!
City Arcade in Grafton St. is shaping up as the place to be, with long time resident Taste-y leading an eclectic retail mix, ranging from fashion, music and skating, top second hand bookshop Book Exchange and a café, Caffiend that is a great place to chill out, hidden way in the centre of the arcade, and, has the best graffiti art in town on show in the alley next to it. Not far away, other places are doing their best (and succeeding) to bring some much needed street cred here, are; artists collective and gallery, Crate 59, and MOFO (Merchants of Fine Objects), who have incorporated a gallery into the boutique, and sometimes have live bands play in the workshop out the back where they print their T-shirts, (but not at the same time obviously). Last, but definitely not least, the girls at Moosh83 bring us their witty and minimalist “tattoos for tee shirts” concept with some neat little tricks and is a must wear. So, despite the tourist industry taking a nosedive this year, things are looking bright in FNQ on the creative front, and to the mayor, who is looking to build an extravagant arts precinct sometime in the future, may I suggest, it’s already here? Put your money in that instead.
by Circusmouse
OH SO COOL
When FEZ approached me for this edition, I didn't know what to write until, one evening on a bike ride along the Esplanade, it dawned on me that it's bike riding that's so cool. Cycling is my only way of getting around, so I ride most places and see lots of people in the saddle about town. The fact that they could have just jumped in the car, flicked on the air con, whacked up the tunes and got where they were going in half the time makes the cyclists much cooler than the polluting car drivers. Whether you believe global warming is a threat or not, it can't be denied that for too many years now we have poured tonnes of filthy pollutants into the environment. Industry, homes and our addiction to the internal combustion engine are responsible for spewing out most of this filth. But recently, helped along the way by the financial crisis, people want cheaper, greener alternative types of transport. Car pooling and public transport use are on the up, and more people are walking, running and cycling to their destinations. With Cairns being so flat, and with some pretty basic cycle paths and infrastructure, there are few excuses (unless you live out past the Black Stump) not to dump the car and jump on ya bike. Not only is there no pollution, but there are also cash and health benefits, too. Buy your bike, throw in a helmet, add lights and a lock, and start pedalling. You may need only splash out on the occasional repair, such as replacing a flat tyre; compare that to the costs in running even the smallest economy car a year. Together with swimming and walking, cycling is the best form of all-round exercise. A European study showed cycling to work saves the state thousands of health dollars every single year. And support for the bicycle as a preferred mode of transport is spreading: recently, Paris City Council provided thousands of cheap-to-hire bikes aimed at reducing traffic snarl ups, noise and pollution, and promoting fitness to the increasingly outmoded car in the city. In Canberra, a bike and lock-up facility operates around Parliament. Shit, if those greedy bureaucrats can be convinced cycling is the way to go, the way of our future, what excuse do you have? So, the humble bicycle is king in its new age of coolness. Cycling looks set to grow in popularity as we embrace greener ways of living, as people realise that fitness and leisure, clean living and cheap transport are available in one package: the bike. Pretty cool, eh?
Dear Lucy,
I am a 29-year-old woman who has never masturbated. Is there something wrong with me?
Mary
Well, Mary, maybe your virginal name has some weird kind of influence over you. In a nutshell, yes there is something wrong with you. Go on and do it or book yourself in to see a psychiatrist.
Dear Lucy,
We just found out our roommate's girlfriend is a stripper who also prostitutes on the side. What do we do?
Steve
Well, Steve, I'm curious as to how you found out she is a stripper who also prostitutes. If it was an innocent discovery, although I don't believe that, there is only one solution. Blackmail her. Strippers and prostitutes make excellent money and you can get a slice of it.
Dear Lucy,
I have had two dates with a gorgeous blonde who is hot, hot, hot. I thought she was the sexiest woman I had ever met. But when we went out all she talked about was transvestites and women who were once men. She turns me on the minute I see her, but I am worried she's a man or was once a man by the way she talks. It's freaking me out. What do I do?
Rod
Rod, It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out if she's a transvestite - just grope her crotch for Christ sake. As for finding out if she was once a man, not much you can do there. Get drunk and have sex with her - if she was once a man, you'll have a great story to sell some seedy magazines.
Dear Lucy,
I am a 39-year-old woman twice divorced. I met this amazing man online and we clicked right away. Everything seemed perfect. Then I met him and he's a nerd. He looks and dresses more geeky than in the pictures. How do I ditch him?
Marie
You are a superficial, self-centred bitch. No wonder you have been divorced twice.
Email Lucy at fez@randompress.com.au
by Dave Schwan
*
I am a 29-year-old woman who has never masturbated. Is there something wrong with me?
Mary
Well, Mary, maybe your virginal name has some weird kind of influence over you. In a nutshell, yes there is something wrong with you. Go on and do it or book yourself in to see a psychiatrist.
Dear Lucy,
We just found out our roommate's girlfriend is a stripper who also prostitutes on the side. What do we do?
Steve
Well, Steve, I'm curious as to how you found out she is a stripper who also prostitutes. If it was an innocent discovery, although I don't believe that, there is only one solution. Blackmail her. Strippers and prostitutes make excellent money and you can get a slice of it.
Dear Lucy,
I have had two dates with a gorgeous blonde who is hot, hot, hot. I thought she was the sexiest woman I had ever met. But when we went out all she talked about was transvestites and women who were once men. She turns me on the minute I see her, but I am worried she's a man or was once a man by the way she talks. It's freaking me out. What do I do?
Rod
Rod, It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out if she's a transvestite - just grope her crotch for Christ sake. As for finding out if she was once a man, not much you can do there. Get drunk and have sex with her - if she was once a man, you'll have a great story to sell some seedy magazines.
Dear Lucy,
I am a 39-year-old woman twice divorced. I met this amazing man online and we clicked right away. Everything seemed perfect. Then I met him and he's a nerd. He looks and dresses more geeky than in the pictures. How do I ditch him?
Marie
You are a superficial, self-centred bitch. No wonder you have been divorced twice.
Email Lucy at fez@randompress.com.au
*
FEZ next month:
"SUPERNATURAL"
Lots of spooky shit coming your way.
Got a scary story? Seen a ghost? Been weirded out by supernatural goings on?
Tell us all about it for your chance to win a prize.
Congrats to TBA for winning last month's prize.
Contributions to:-
fez@randompress.com.au
"SUPERNATURAL"
Lots of spooky shit coming your way.
Got a scary story? Seen a ghost? Been weirded out by supernatural goings on?
Tell us all about it for your chance to win a prize.
Congrats to TBA for winning last month's prize.
Contributions to:-
fez@randompress.com.au
3 comments:
Dear FEZ,
I've just seen a ghost. I was looking out of the window and there was this strange, translucent apparition standing there before me. It mimicked my every move. I raised my arm, it raised its. I lifted my leg, and it did the same.
Can you help?
Anonymous,
You seem to have had some kind of premature hallucination. However, we've passed your question on to Juicy Lucy. Maybe she will be able to help. She's good with her hands, allegedly.
I don't care what you blokes think, Jordan is a total babe! She could king hit me any time!
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